Where does your identity lay?
I was conceived in the snow. "A one time deal", as I have been told by my Mother.
My Biological Father informed my Mother that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Alone to raise me, as her first child, on her own. My Mother did the best she could do with all that she had. She did a great job raising me. She was always there and taught me all that she could. She gave her all even when she was hurting and had very little. My Mother's love is never-ending. "I love you MORE!"
Growing up I had stepfathers. The first was one my Mother married and had a son with. My Older Brother of my line of brothers. His father wanted nothing to do with me either. I was beaten and bruised. I had black and blue eyes. Once I even had to go to the hospital because of being kicked in the stomach so much I could not keep food down. He ended up going to jail and their marriage ended.
I remember being a little older and being invited to attend a Bon Jovi concert with this Step Father and my Older Brother of my line of brothers. I enjoyed my time with them and said to this Step Father, "Thank you for taking me, dad." I was quickly informed he is not my father and never will be. I was not invited to events with them anymore after this interaction.
I wanted to be loved. I was desperate to belong. I felt so misplaced, unwanted, rejected, hurt, and alone. I felt as though half of my identity was missing. I so wanted to be whole.
My Mother then was with another Step Father of mine and conceived my Middle and Younger Brothers in my line of brothers. I am the oldest of four children from my Mother.
This Second Step Father was around for a much longer duration of my childhood. However, I was ignored. Invisible. I felt like I was Cinderella only seen to do the chores and bidding. I became the mom to my Middle and Younger Brothers in my line of brothers because both my Mother and Second Step-Father worked all the time and sadly got into drugs.
Things changed drastically one day when my Second Step Father decided to leave my Mother for another woman he worked with. I found out this other woman was pregnant and they ended up marrying quickly. I hurt so badly for my Mother. I was also hurting myself because I took it so personally. After all these years this Second Step Father became part of my identity that I longed for. I had security and stability but now it was gone. I felt betrayed, unloved, unwanted, and rejected.
Growing up through these experiences of being unwanted and rejected...in a sense abandoned by three father figures, I turned to God and called Him my Father. He became my only stable ground to turn to. However, I did not have any real examples of Godly men or father figures in my life to really direct me on my journey through this crazy world we live in, to help navigate the ups and downs of life. With this being the case I looked for love in all the wrong places which led to rejection and more abandonment.
I had no self-confidence, love, worth, or value. I always felt misplaced. I would look at my Brothers and be jealous of the fact that they had their fathers. They had complete identities in who they were. They had a father and mother. Stability in that alone. I had my Mother, but I had a missing link to my identity. I vowed, through the pain and emptiness I felt, that when I have children of my own they will know their fathers so they would not experience what I have had to endure.
So to make an identity for myself I strived to be perfect and do everything as right as I could. I did this in hopes to be loved, wanted, and valued. Sadly, it never turned out that way no matter what I achieved.
I placed my identity in the wrong places.
I was fatherless. None of the men who were to be my fathers wanted me. I was rejected by the men I loved.
Through the years of hurt and bitterness, I became quieter and more distant from others. I felt if they did not want to see me, if I was constantly going to be rejected then I may as well make myself invisible. Speak only when spoken to. To avoid being hurt I would isolate myself from others and stay in my comfort zone I created for myself, unknowingly imprisoning and hindering myself from experiencing real life.
At the age of 40 things started to fall into place of my true identity.
I attended a Gleanings for the Hungry with my Youngest Son for a week filling soup packets they send overseas. I had such a great time, felt like I was making a difference, I had a voice and a story to share, and that I had value and worth. It was a life-changing moment for me.
I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I created this blog to help with the process, to help me share my story a piece at a time, and in doing so it has brought healing and restoration.
I started spending time with others and getting more involved with church no matter how much I wanted to run and hide because being in other's presence created vulnerable moments. I have dove deep into God's word daily for truth in my life and have discovered His freedom, peace, and love that is unending.
The Kendrick brothers stated it perfectly in their book Defined, Who God Says You Are:
"Only God, the One who made you - and only Christ, the One who redeemed you - has the perfect knowledge, full ownership, and absolute authority to define who you are and what He's created you to become. You are who He says you are. Period. And the sooner you can discover that and find out what He says, the better off you will be."
I have uncovered who I am in Him.
My Father. My adoption by a King.
In Lisa Bevere's book Girls with Swords she states it beautifully with her conversation with God and what He says about her while she was in tears herself over the relationship with her biological father:
"I heard him whisper, "You are looking at this all wrong. What you see as rejection I see as adoption."
What?
"When you are completely abandoned by your natural father, you are utterly adopted by me. In a sense your father has renounced any claim he had to you and your children. Now nothing stands between us. You are all mine."
Seriously? Was I hearing this correctly?
..."If you need something, come directly to me."
Okay, wow!
At the very moment I realized I was fatherless, I discovered I was adopted!
From this passage in her book, I read those words God said to her as if He said them to me. Releasing me from the prison of the lies of rejection and abandonment all these years. I cried something fierce. With each tear releasing each lie I held on to that grasped my heart so tightly.
I am adopted by the King. I have a heavenly Father who wants me, pursues me, and loves me. He has loved me all these years. He has known me in my Mother's womb.
I am loved. I am worthy. I have value.
My possibilities are not limited by my past, or of what others said or think of me. All that matters is what my adoptive heavenly Father and King thinks and says of me. My identity is in Him.
I am who the Great I am says I am.
The same is true for you.
You are loved. You are worthy. You have value.