Father's Day 20/20
To my surprise, this is a day I will always remember.
My Mother told me some details that she knew about my Biological Father. I carried and treasured those details in my heart regardless of being told that he wanted nothing to do with me when I was younger. I still stubbornly searched for and longed for a connection with him for my whole life. (I am now approaching the age of 42 as I write this.)
I feel there is a bond between a father and daughter that can not be explained. Even time and distance can not separate. This love reminds me of the love God has for us as His children.
I know I have loved my Father all these years otherwise it would not have hurt with his unknowing absence. With that pain and emptiness as a child I promised that my children, when I finally had them, they would know their father and have them involved in their lives.
When I was younger, one of my searches for my Father, I got into trouble with my Mom when she saw the phone bill when it came in because I looked up and called all the people in the phone book who had the same name as my Dad.
When I became an adult I still searched for him. I even found a man with my Father's name, red hair, and height, who lived in Sacramento who was married and had a daughter. His daughter's name was the same name I often pretended was my own when I was a child in an attempt to feel closer to my Father.
I even did my DNA on Ancestry a little over a year ago in hopes it would lead me to my Father. I did this because my Oldest of Brothers, who are younger than me since I am the eldest, did his DNA a few months prior and found he has an older brother from his father (his father has been passed away for a few years now) of which he did not know about. They now celebrate Father's Day each year together by going to Lake Tahoe.
With Ancestry, I did so many searches for my Father only to be lead to obituaries each time. I felt I lost my chance to ever get to know him. I even contacted family which lead to more dead ends. I felt defeated.
I then accepted things as they were. I let go and gave it all to God. I even thought "it is what it is". God must have allowed this out of protection and for the best.
However, to my surprise, I received a message through Ancestry. It was the Youngest Brother of my Father, my Uncle. He found me by his DNA match. I could not believe this was happening. I was all sorts of excited and overwhelmed. I was a mixture of shaking, crying, and overjoyed. The day had finally come that I so longed for! I felt like it was a dream.
My Uncle gave me my Dad's phone number and told me my Dad wanted to call him. I was surprised. All my life I believed my Dad wanted nothing to do with me, to now being told that my Dad wanted me to call him!
My Dad had no idea I even existed. He remembered my Mom and that he went to go see her but she moved away. He cried when I told him my birthday. He then had to take a moment to gather himself after I told him I have three children, making him a Grandpa. All in one day, finding out at the age of 62 that you are a father and a grandfather. It sure was overwhelming.
I finally felt complete. I finally had answers to questions I've had all my life. I felt accepted, whole, and loved.
My life just got bigger also. I found out that my Grandma is still alive. I have an Aunt and three Uncles. I am unsure as to how many cousins. It is wonderful to see where I got some of my personality and looks from. It is wonderful to finally understand, know, and to not feel out of place. There was such a familiarity.
I realize this is not the usual reaction or response that happens in situations such as this of a child trying to find their parent. I have heard many sad heartbreaking stories. I feel tremendously blessed and fortunate it has been a positive experience for me.
This is a day I will always remember and praise God for. 20/20 vision and sight into the truth. I have not been rejected all these years. I am loved.
It was all God's timing. He had to prepare me for such a time as this. I had to set my heart first on His Kingdom as stated in Matthew 6:33, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." He has given me my greatest heart's desire to know and love my Biological Father and Family.
Of course, as the highs of the emotions and excitement faded as time passed, feelings of grief and morning were felt and crept in for the lost time and opportunities to have lived and shared together with each family member. Moments that will never be regained.
However, I refocused my mind on the positive as it says in Phillippians 4:8:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I told myself, "the past is the past. I choose to focus on and enjoy the present moments, to look toward the future and all the possibilities." All is forgiven, no hard feelings on my part towards anyone. Moving on forward to better tomorrows because there is still so much life to live and time can be short on this earth.
I can not wait to actually travel to visit in person the newly found family that I want to get to know more of so very much and wrap my arms around. We are currently making plans to go visit in August. I am so very excited and can not wait! I look forward to listening to their stories and gleaning wisdom from their life lessons.
A day I will always remember. Father's Day, where now I feel like I see 20/20.